I sit here writing this after recovering from being sick earlier this week, and am just so grateful for a moment to myself, with a cup of tea, and a candle lit to hold space for my thoughts and to even share them with you here. It's been some time since I've posted a journal entry on here, and I know it's old school Tumblr-esk but honestly, I think I prefer this.
Writing the title "Winter 2026" for this kind of blew my mind. 2025 felt within my comprehension, but something about the sound of "2026" sounds so far in the future to me, and I can't believe we are already here. I can't believe I'm 34 years old, been married for 11 years, selling my artwork for 9 years, have a 10 month old baby, and have owned a piece of land we've been trying to build on for 5 years. Time is wild, life is surreal, and my concept of it has changed so much since having a baby. The first few months felt slow as ever, and now it feels like time is moving quickly even though I'm hyper aware of its passing.
I've been taking a break from Instagram for a bit now, and it has allowed me the time to write something like this. I don't even know how I squeezed in the time to mindlessly scroll a bit here and there between managing a household, raising my son, running my business, and living a reasonably healthy balanced life within community. Social media has brought so much goodness to my life honestly and I love sharing bits and pieces of life and inspiration and gleaning it from others there, but the format of it can be less ideal for brains like mine. I will join back in sometime in the near future in a more restricted way, but am enjoying the hiatus fully for now.
I actually wrote out a partial journal entry that I never had a chance to share a day or two before I went into labor a week early with my beautiful son, Cal. I was fully aware of how my time and life were about to change radically:
"My husband and I have been married for 10 years this September, and we are on the cusp of having our first son any day now in the next week or two. My mind can’t seem to wrap around it at all. The closeness of it, how much our world will or won’t change. After watching most of the women surrounding me have kids, it still is not comprehensible. Maybe because I know it’s going to be my own unique experience as pregnancy has been thus far, coupled with the usual cliches that folks use to describe these seasons of life. I’ve had a mix of feelings of thankfulness for such a great time carrying this boy - being able to continue on with life through it all pretty smoothly, and for waiting until the time was right for us, but also curiosity about what if we didn’t wait so long and I jumped in head first when I didn’t feel ready. I’ve worked to entrust those thoughts and wonderings to God that the timing is right, and everyone’s timeline is different and I am trusting Him now in that. I’m so curious to see how I will handle this next change of seasons in life - how much I will struggle, if some things will be easier than I thought they would, and how much of myself will feel unchanged and different at the same time. In the meantime, I am thankful for a final week or so of wrapping things up and settling into preparations as this whole last 9 months has gone by in a flash! Between building this business slowly and going through all the prep work with our plans, permits, fees and surveys needed to receive our building permit to build our home, it has been a full few months of preparations and work, and will increase in intensity in all ways after our boy is here."
Pretty wild for myself to read. I'd say in response to that, that it's been just that- a mix of emotions and experiences. I had an unexpectedly crazy and brutal labor ending in a c-section which set things off to a dramatic start. But since then I have been surprised at how I've been able to still run my wholesale greeting card business from home and live our lives pretty fully with my little boy in tow. Some days I think about the women with 8 kids though and feel like I'm failing miserably in comparison, but it's all relative, and I think I'm managing well overall. I feel the push and pull of loving to create and work, but also loving my son and being present to raise him well. I think often of the women that came before me back in the old days holding down the fort out in the wide open before all our modern conveniences and use them as my inspiration. Some days it feels so right to have finally taken the jump, other days I doubt myself and long for my free-er days and younger self. I knew the challenge and my hesitations going into it and still jumped in, and well, here we are. I think I could write out endless pages of thoughts and reflections, but to say I am very grateful for a healthy happy baby boy and incredible husband, our community, and our little rental for the time being while we submit our building plans is a good summary. I think we are very much still in the first year of adjusting, and I'm excited, and a little nervous for what's to come, and to heal and come home to myself more fully physically and mentally. Building our home and family at the same time is a crazy combination that not many get to experience, but seems to be the plan for our lives for now. Here's to taking the plunge when you're not sure, trusting God with His timing, working hard quietly throughout our simple days, setting our eyes on the horizon, and hoping for the best!